One of my favorite meals is an 8 ounce filet mignon, at medium temperature, with a signature “Chop Salad” from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. On the other hand, Jael would rather just swing by P.F. Chang’s and dine on Hot and Sour Soup and Mongolian Beef.
Furthermore, I prefer Coke products and Jael prefers Pepsi products. So, where am I going with this?
I’m simply illustrating that people can get along great and have different preferences – even if those different preferences start out as different opinions on relaxed vs. natural hair.
Let’s face it; some men struggle with their wife’s decision to go natural.
For the female, going natural – by itself – can be very taxing mentally. However, telling your spouse that you’ve decided to go natural can be even more difficult. Especially, when it’s done at the wrong time or simply done incorrectly. That’s when things can really go downhill quickly.
I’ve heard several women mention how they didn’t receive the support that they wanted or deserved when they initially decided to go natural. Maybe their husband or boyfriend didn’t care for natural hair. Maybe it was your mother or another family member who caused you undue stress because you decided to stop getting relaxers.
If you’re planning to go natural soon, currently transitioning from relaxed to natural hair or just recently big chopped, there are some very specific steps that you can take to mitigate the undue stress of loved ones not accepting your decision to go natural.
The real difficulty that many females face, when they decide to go natural, is that it’s hard to deliver the news to a loved one when you’re expecting to receive a negative reaction. If you begin to feel angst about delivering the news because you’re anticipating what they may say, it’s important to follow these steps to mitigate conflict.
Step 1: Make sure you’re comfortable with your decision before you tell someone else who may disagree with your decision. Going natural can be a shock to your family and friends, but mentally it can also be a shock to the individual who has decided to go natural. Make sure you’re comfortable with your decision before you decide to tell anyone else that you’re going natural – especially if they may disagree with your decision. It’s easy to be persuaded into changing your mind if you’re not 100% confident that you really want to move forward with this decision.
Step 2: Anticipate how your spouse will feel about your decision prior to delivering the news and practice what you’re going to say. This step is very important because you’ll need to craft your message specifically for the person that you’re delivering the news to. If you actually follow this step, you will have formulated exactly what you plan to say to your spouse when you share the news. It’s important to note that you may have to respond to your spouse’s cues.
Step 3: Be sure that you choose a location that is private and comfortable to break the news. If you request to speak to your spouse in private, they may initially feel like they’re about to receive some “bad” news. This can actually work in your favor, because typically if people know bad news is coming they will brace themselves for the blow. After they hear that you’re going natural and it’s nothing bad, they may actually be relieved that it wasn’t something much worse. Be sure to choose a place where you have a low likelihood of being interrupted by someone and don’t forget to turn off all electronic devices – like cell phones, radios and televisions.
Step 4: Choose the appropriate time to share the news. Once you’ve made the decision to go natural, you may be really excited about the months to come. However, it’s important to make sure that your spouse is ready to listen and be receptive to your decision. Timing is important and can make a world of difference in how they take the news that you’re going natural. For example, don’t tell your husband that you’ve decided to go natural right as he walks in the door from a long day at work.
Step 5: Focus on clear communication while delivering the news to your spouse. The words that you use and the style of your delivery are critical. Don’t beat around the bush, get right to the point – believe it or not, this generally works best. Look your spouse straight in the eyes and calmly tell them that you’re going natural and explain what it means to you as an individual. As you speak, be sure to respond positively to any negative emotions that you receive from your spouse. Simply explain your point of view, give them time to accept the news and plan for next steps as needed.
If you need assistance on specifically what to say, you can use transition phrases when communicating. An example of that communication style is as follows: “I’ve been dealing with a burning scalp and the sores that come with getting relaxers for many years…and because I’m tired of putting myself through that torture, I’ve decided to go natural and not get relaxers anymore.”
If necessary, continue to explain your decision and as you narrate through the various struggles that you encountered during your years of getting relaxers, be sure to react to any emotions from your spouse in a positive manner – by acknowledging their objection and specifically addressing them.
Here are some final tips:
- Sometimes follow up actions can prevent the situation from getting out of hand. If your spouse needs more time to completely understand your decision, then afford them that time. When the time is right and they’re ready to talk, be prepared to discuss the situation in more detail.
- If your spouse gets mad or makes some unsuspected comment, remain calm. It’s important to listen to your spouse’s comments and legitimize their emotions. Be sure that you don’t get emotional yourself.
- Be clear with your spouse, explain what will happen next and allow them to participate in your natural hair journey with you. If you plan to big chop, ask your spouse if they would like to help you cut your hair. If you allow them to participate, they will feel more connected to you and your decision to go natural.
About Kenneth Byrd
Great advice. I never did any of those things, I just went into the bathroom one night and big chopped. I just explained everything later. Even to myself. My thoughts to myself were it will grow back later, it’s just hair. Well a few weeks later, I then began to regret what I did and it was only because my hair would not act the way I wanted it to act. I didn’t think about training my hair to do what I wanted to do. Once I began to train my hair then everything was alright and I have loved it every since. I noticed even in the moment of me not liking my big chop, we only don’t like the things we feel that we can not change. But when we are patient with the decisions made for us by us or by others and watch, then we can appreciate what the change has done for us. This decision to go natural has introduced me to going natural in so many area’s of my life and I appreciate that.
You are right, we like to control change. When we can’t control the changed, we don’t like it anymore. We have such a bad habit of beating things into submission that we miss the beauty in the change. I think having a conversation with your spouse is great because it gives them a chance to adapt to the change as well.
Hi Tash -
Thanks. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. Also, I’m very glad that things are going well for you on your natural hair journey.
Kenneth
I love Tash’s last statement!!! This article gives excellent Advice. Wow. I don’t think I actually took anyone else into consideration when I made up my mind to go natural. I’m not married…yet;) But my boyfriend and I had just decided to make “us” official like a month prior to my decision. I picked up the phone and made him aware of what I was going to do. Surprisingly, he was with me 100%! In fact, natural is one of the styles he prefers! At that moment though, I was prepared to lose what was not willing to come along with me. That was the space that I was in at the time of my decision and honestly speaking, I still am. However, I do understand how difficult breaking the news to spouses, and family can be. This is great advice for many who are struggling in this area.
Thanks Aliyah. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Kenneth
I know when I first told my fiance that I was going ‘natural’, he was kind of supportive. When it happened one of the first questions he asked me was, “Can you still wear it straight?”. My response to his question was that I would be wearing it the way that I was comfortable with wearing it. Right now its curly and I do the Wash and Go using some Carol’s Daughter Hair Milk or Cantu Leave-In conditioning Treatment. It’s easy for me to do and gives me an extra 20 minutes in the bed in the morning (yeah me!!). I love the versatility of wearing my hair any way I want. Finally, my fiance saw a Special K commercial with a sister wearing her natural and asked me if my hair was going to be like hers. I told him yes, eventually after some time and growth. That put his heart and mind at ease. Now that he’s seeing more beautiful black sisters sporting naturals, he’s all for it. Thank God for commercials!!!
Nice story Jasmine! Thanks for sharing. Take care.
Kenneth
I’m considering going natural and will definitely be interested in utilizing these techniques with my hubby.
Kenya – Awesome news. If you’re still considering going natural, feel free to send me a private message or email me if you want to chat about your decision.
Kenneth
Where were these tips when I decided to go natural??? Lol…I went natural almost two years ago and it caused a lot of problems with my husband and I. He didn’t appreciate the fact that I did the Big Chop. I on the other hand am very happy with my decision and wouldn’t change it for the world. It is the best thing I have ever done for my hair. It is so much healthier! He is more accepting now, I think that is partly because he hears all of the compliments that I get on a daily basis.
Hi Machelle – I’m glad to hear that your husband is more accepting of your natural hair journey now. Take care.
Kenneth
Also, women should remember just because there significant other feels a particular easy at first doesn’t mean they will always feel that way…When I first told my husband I was considering going natural he was uneasy especially when I told him I would have to cut my hair…he was very concerned about that since I’ve always had long hair and that was what he was used to…I explained transitioning and told him I would try to transition as long as possible so that my hair wouldn’t be so short…well 6 months into it I couldn’t take the two textures anymore and told him I had to cut it right then…well lo and behold my husband actually did my big chop for me…it was a great experience and he felt a part of my journey as well…he’s gone through my triumphs and challenges in learning my natural hair with me and now he wishes all women would go natural…lol…we also now have a 10 month old daughter, and he’s so proud to tell everyone that she will never get her hair relaxed…so they can have a change of heart…
Hi Mo_Babee – Thanks for sharing. I wish you the greatest success during your natural hair journey,
Kenneth
This is such an odd article. I can understand considering informing your significant other but…Why is it important to inform them what you’re going to do with your hair? My husband doesn’t ask my permission when he goes to get his hair buzzed off (a style that I hate), so why should I ask him about not even cutting my hair so short?
I’ve big chopped before, and I didn’t ask him. He didn’t even care. I’m thinking about doing it again, and he won’t care. Because it’s my hair. Any man who makes a fuss about it should get chopped quicker than your relaxed hair!
Tiffany –
Everyone’s relationship with their spouse is unique. Many women have husbands who care about the way they wear their hair. It would be nice if all females could just go natural (if they wanted to) and not worry about any backlash from their husbands. Unfortunately, Tiffany, that’s just not reality.
Kenneth
Hi Tiffany,
Honestly, I think it is all about communication and consideration of the other person. When a woman discusses her decision with her spouse it actually gives him a chance to transition with her. Just as most woman have to adjust to their new look as a natural, the spouse does too. Keep in mind, many men do not have a clue about what going natural means. Have you read Keisha and Patrick?
http://naturalhaircommunity.com/what-men-really-think-about-natural-hair-part-1
During this time, I think, when women spontaneously big chop, most of the “issues” arise. I think some men are accustomed to seeing their spouse a certain way and when the woman chances, it’s like she is changing the routine. Now, that is not to say that she can’t change, but as a courtesy, it would be nice to inform him of the intention to change your hair.
Now for the buzz cut, have you spoken to him about your dislike for it?
Kenneth,
Everyone’s relationship is in fact unique. I understand that there are some men who really care about the appearance of their spouse. However, the issue here isn’t really the hair; it’s about the husband trying to control the appearance of his wife. In the example that I gave I was trying to show that the respective spouses have to not just tolerate, but accept the appearance of the other. I find it unfortunate as well that any woman would fear “backlash” from their husbands or that it would keep them from exercising control over their own bodies.
Jael,
I understand your point about communication and consideration. My point was that asking is in excess of what I think a person should have to do. They may start not having a clue about what going natural means, but they will eventually find out.
I read the referred article, and it was entertaining. It’s unsurprising that a man would react that way. The funniest thing about this article is that she all but begs him to be able to cease relaxing her hair. Does a woman really need to explain that she’s damaging herself (the sores in her scalp) just to be able to stop? What if she just doesn’t want a perm anymore? Shouldn’t she give herself permission to do that and let her decision to go natural be an internal one?
Using your reasoning, a woman would inform her spouse of her plans to go natural…But what if he says no? Does she then not go natural, and continue to get a relaxer? What, then, would be the proposed course of action for her? Make herself unhappy by making her spouse happy, or making herself happy by BCing?
I really don’t think that the big chop is the “issue”. I think that the issue here would be a woman’s lack of control to do as she feels with her own body.
As for my husband’s hair, I will never say a word. It’s his hair: he cuts it, and it grows back. It’s his body, and he does what he wants. The real problem would arise if I ever thought that I had the right to tell him that I had a problem with his hair.
Tiffany – Many women have emailed me privately for advice on how to inform their husband about going natural. These women are asking for help and I’m doing my best to help them. Several of those women have found this article extremely helpful as they dealt with their husbands. I have received several emails saying how much it helped them.
We write articles about things that people need help with and email us about. Another example is the Patrick and Keisha story, which was written after talking to a natural who was concerned about what men think about natural hair. In this particular case (this article), whether the husband is being controlling or unreasonable should really be evaluated on a case by case basis and not something I assume when I talk to a women who needs help.
Whatever works for their relationship is what’s important. The goal of the article was to give women, who want help discussing going natural with their husbands, a clear process to communicate the decision to their husbands. Thanks again for commenting. This was a good discussion.
Kenneth